Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
