Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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