You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
