shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
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we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
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pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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