if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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