Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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