More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
