Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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