are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
