omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
