Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
