So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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