Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this will be a night to untag.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
