OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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