I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
