it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
