apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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