I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
