I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
