alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
