she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
