Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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