I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
