Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
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She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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