Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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