New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
