Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
