He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
