Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
