If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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