There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
