Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!