Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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