just come out here and I will go home with you...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
