sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
