the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
