I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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