I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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