And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
