I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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