Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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