Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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