I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
