we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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