I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
