I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
