Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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