I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I need moral support for this bender
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
