my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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