I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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