i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
