i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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