Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
